Always an End, And a Beginning
by Skittles1
Summary: Remus J. Lupin contemplates his life and the moment he had always feared with everything within him. As his body hit the floor, so did his heart. Major spoilers for OotP.


Author's Note: I don't own Harry Potter, although I wish I did. I don't own the song, "Shadows on a Mountainside" by The Tea Party. This is such a shocker; I'm out with another little Harry Potter bit. This is about Remus J. Lupin and his life, his thoughts, his feelings on everything, especially on what happened at the end of book 5. There's brief shounen ai with Sirius and Remus. 

MAJOR spoilers if you haven't finished OotP.

Always an End, And a Beginning 

**By: Lauren**

Remus J. Lupin had always been strong. 

Or at least, he had always tried to be. 

His life had never been an easy one. It seemed to constantly be under complications of all sorts. At one time, thing _had _been easy. Things had been happy…and normal. But that was many, many years ago. His life had been simple when he was a tiny child, but it all changed the moment a strange looking dog had decided to sink his teeth into his flesh. Of course, with his luck, the dog hadn't at all been a normal dog. In fact, the dog had actually been a werewolf, spreading the curse into Remus' own blood and turning him into a werewolf also. That was when things began to get hard and confusing. His parents loved him very much, but after that there was always a wall between them, a kind of distance that had never been there before.

He could always sense the unseen fear that lay within there hearts. The fear they held of him. They were petrified by the thought of him attacking them, or getting loose and running wild to hunt for blood through the neighborhood. Still, they cared for him and tried to control him under lock and key each night that the full, silvery moon emerged. After that, Remus always knew he was definitely different. Other child who didn't even know about what he truly was seemed to sense the danger that surrounded him. Somehow, they seemed to be repealed from him. No one dared, or wanted, to be his friend. He was only a little boy, but he knew not what friendship was. School was a nightmarish hell, where bullies seemed to lurk around each corner and every lunch was spent in solitude. Remus grew use to this treatment and even brought books to accompany him during lunch. He didn't need others. He could be fine on his own. At least, that was what he told himself.

He could vaguely remember once escaping on the full moon and it was something he didn't want to recall. Apparently, he had attacked his parents, but they had managed to barely escape unbitten. He had went on a rampage on the streets and the next morning, when he had awoken after his transformation, he found himself covered in not only his own blood, but the blood of others. Every full moon, his body filled with a terror of repeating that event, but thankfully, every time he returned, he was only covered in his own blood with a mix of dirt.

There seemed to be so much more out there for him, but no one was willing to give him a chance, because of what he _was, _because of what he had _become_. He knew he was a wizard and could be a fine one at that, but no school was willing to accept a _werewolf _onto their campus. He was a werewolf first, not a wizard. And so, it came as a complete shock, when a letter arrived at his household saying that he was welcomed to Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, with open arms by the headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Special circumstances were made to assure everybody's safety, and so it was that Remus departed to the Shrieking Shack during every full moon, under the pretense of visiting his sick grandmother. 

~*~
    
    _We are spirits passing through the doors of time_
    
    _With an invitation heard before we find_
    
    _Shadows on the mountainside_

_Eagles find the souls they hide_

~*~

Still, Remus figured the students at the school would be just like the ones at his Muggle school. He had already decided to spend his days in the library when an unexpected event happened. Remus J. Lupin made three friends. The boy who thought of himself as an outcast, a failure, a loner, a threat to society, was accepted by this school and their students. Soon, he became inseparable from James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. Even so, every day, he feared what would happen if they found out his secret. He wondered what kind of hatred, disdain and disgust their faces would fill with once they knew the truth. He feared he would accidentally end up hurting one of his friends when he transformed, that they would never speak to him again after they discovered he was a werewolf; that they might even try to kill him or spread his secret around to the school so that he would be forced to leave. He didn't want to lose the only friends he had ever had. He cared for these three boys dearly and now that he had experienced true friendship, he didn't know how he could continue on if he lost it. The four of them formed a team, they all had a strong bond with each other, and they almost _belonged _together.

This school was a one in a million chance for him. He could _not _do _anything _to screw up his chances at continuing being a student at Hogwarts, even if it meant lying to his friends every full moon. 

~*~
    
    _And the outcast child enchanted by the sun_
    
    _Will he seek his shelter never knowing one?_
    
    _Shadows on the mountainside_
    
    _Eagles find the souls they hide_

~*~

But, eventually, all things must come to an end and all secrets are somehow revealed. Sirius Black was the first to find out his little secret. He followed after Remus secretly to tell off his grandmother for beating on the boy so much, but instead of following him onto a train, he followed him under the Whomping Willow and into the Shrieking Shack. He discovered what Remus truly was and for the first time in Remus' life, he was not looked upon with revulsion. His friend seemed not to care about this one major detail, except that it explained why he always looked so ragged upon return of his monthly trips to his 'grandmother's' and why he seemed to be graying at such a young age. Sirius even complained about how he hated that Remus had to be all alone in the Shrieking Shack. Eventually, he convinced Remus that the others wouldn't care about what he was, and with Sirius' help, Remus informed James and Peter that he was a werewolf. Once again, he was surprised with how much this news didn't seem to bother them. If it affected them in any way, they didn't show it, except for Peter, who seemed to grow a bit fearful but got over it quickly.

Then, the next thing Remus knew, Sirius was proposing that they all become animagi so that they could keep Remus company during the full moon. As much as Remus argued with them not to do it, they ignored him and carried on with their plan. James turned into a stag, Sirius into a large black dog and Peter into a rat. Even though Remus had an unwavering friendship with all of them, his bond with Sirius was still slightly stronger than that with James and Peter. It was probably from the fact that he was the first to find out his secret, that he had helped Remus deal with it and tell the others, that he worked so hard with the others to become animagi's illegally, all for Remus. 

The four of them completed their years at Hogwarts, their friendship now stronger than ever. James married an auburn haired girl from their school named Lily and Sirius was the best man at the wedding. They even had a son, naming him Harry and dubbing his godfather Sirius. Even though school had ended, the four still loafed together constantly. As expected, it was very hard for Remus to get a job with what he was, but somehow, he managed, even though he didn't quite know how. After all that had happened to him, Remus felt he had truly found happiness. 

It was then that his life decided to take another bite out of him, only this time; it was from his heart instead of his arm.

James and Lily were attacked and murdered by the Dark wizard Voldemort. Their newly born son, Harry, somehow survived due to his mother's love. Sirius was blamed for the murder, having been the Secret Keeper of their location, and he was sent to the prison Azkaban for life, but not before being blamed for the murder of Peter and a bunch of Muggles. 

The friends he had once known, loved and trusted where gone, torn from his grasp, his heart being shattered and stomped upon. Three people he cared about were dead and the fourth was blamed for the deaths. As much as Remus didn't want to believe it, he had to. 

Sirius was the cause of their destruction.

But how? Why? Remus couldn't help questioning it all. How could the black haired boy he had known for so long do this? It was unbelievable! Preposterous! Sirius was too kind hearted to have betrayed them all. Remus knew Sirius well and he could not understand how he could have done such a thing. It was not in Sirius' nature to do something like this! He had been best friends with James all his life! They had been inseparable. Remus _knew _Sirius…and he _loved _Sirius. Sirius couldn't just be sent away forever, for something he was sure he couldn't have done. Yet all the evidence pointed to him. He was trailed and sentenced and sent away.

~*~
    
    _Shadows on the mountainside_
    
    _Cover me with sleep_

_Because I need it now_

~*~

Remus moved on with his life, as painful as it was, his heart now broken and sore. An emptiness filled his chest, leaving a cold void where warmth had once existed. Many years passed, leaving the werewolf in solitude once more, until he was brought back to Hogwarts by the same headmaster as when he was a young boy. Remus J. Lupin got a job at the school, teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts, ironically to Harry Potter, the son of his friend James. That year had been one filled with turmoil and confusion, and Remus' heart seemed to ache twice as bad when Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban. If Sirius were still sane after being locked up all those years in Azkaban, hopefully he wouldn't be caught, because if he were, death would be the consequence he'd have to pay. Later it was discovered he was innocent and Peter Pettigrew was in fact alive. He had been the one to betray their friendship, managing to weasel away to Voldemort by faking his own death, blaming it all on Sirius. 

Remus could hardly believe it. Sirius _had _been innocent. After all those years alone, Sirius was finally back. He was forced to go into hiding, for the public would never believe Sirius was innocent. Remus quit his job as the news that he was a werewolf spread around the school and he returned to wandering, helping Sirius out and visiting him as much as possible. With the return of his companion, his other half, feelings that had once been lost now returned to him twice as strong. He couldn't contain them anymore; he couldn't keep them locked inside, not after he had thought he had lost Sirius forever. Remus knew he had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything he ever wanted. He couldn't just let it slip; he _had _to capture it before it was too late. The day came where he confessed his thoughts and emotions to Sirius. Remus waited for the look of repulsion that he knew would come, feeling twice as fearful than on the day that Sirius found out he was a werewolf. 

Once again, Sirius Black surprised Remus with a completely opposite reaction. He had the same feelings for his friend, and their connection only deepened with understanding, compassion, loyalty, trust and love. The empty void that had once been inside Remus seemed to fill once again. The pieces of his broken and shattered heart began to slowly come back together, Sirius helping him heal while he helped him in return. They were happy…they were together…they were whole. Remus appreciated all of the time they spent together, making up for the years they had been apart. He didn't let any moment escape, even if it was something simple, such as watching the golden sunlight dance on his lover's sleeping face. It felt as if decades of happiness had suddenly sprung upon the pair. Nothing could have been more perfect. Eventually, they were planning to even give Harry a second home to return to when he finished his years at Hogwarts with them, if he liked.

Time passed and they moved into Sirius' old childhood home, the new headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, a group created to fight Voldemort. The Dark Lord was a threat they had almost forgotten with all that had happened between them, but he existed and he was everything they loathed. He was the source of all the pain, all the loss, all they had been through after Hogwarts.

And so, after all that had happened, after all that they had been through, why did life decide to bite him again? 

And this…this, he feared, was the worst bite of them all. He would have rather relived being bitten by that werewolf a thousand times than to have this happen. He would rather die himself than let the one person he cared the most for die. 

No sound could escape Remus' lips as he watched Sirius laugh with joy at Bellatrix Lestrange, who could not land a single blow on him. Of course, she chose that exact moment to nail him directly with a beam from her wand. He felt his heart drop, falling to the floor, as Sirius fell backwards gracefully, as if in slow motion. He saw the way his lover's messy, long raven black hair fluttered over his face as he fell. He saw the way his already-white skin had seemed to pale even more. He saw the way his eyes seem to take on a vacant, dull look as the sparkle that had once been there disappeared. Over all the turmoil, all the noise, he could still hear Sirius' faint laugh grow dimmer and dimmer before it ceased entirely. And then, as if someone had suddenly hit play, the slow motion stopped and Sirius collapsed backwards through the strange arch, never more to return.

He watched the one person he loved most in the entire world die before his very eyes, leaving him with the most helpless feeling he had ever experienced before. But Remus could not mourn right now, he could not collapse to his knees in anguish like he wanted to, he could not call out Sirius' name, could not let the tears drip down his face, he was not even given that. Remus quickly grabbed onto Harry Potter, knowing this would be too much for the boy, having watched his godfather, and almost new father figure disappear forever. As Harry struggled against him, Remus also struggled to hold back. He just as much wanted to run forward, to reach through the arch, to pull Sirius out, finding him only unconscious, not dead. Sirius could not die. He was supposed to walk out of the arch, laughing, telling Remus off for falling for such an obvious trick. Wasn't this all a funny little joke?

But that would not happen. That would never happen. Sirius was gone. Forever. His once healed heart cracked again, breaking and crumbling apart, and Remus knew that this time, this time, it was permanent. Nothing could ever glue the pieces back together again. The only person that had been able to was now gone. Sirius had healed him twice before, once with his friendship and once with his love. For the first time in his life, Remus _truly_ felt what it was like to be _entirely_ alone. He was the only one left out of the four joyful and mischievous people they had once been. Peter Pettigrew was as good as dead to him and the person that had caused Remus to lose everything dear to him was Voldemort.

Remus J. Lupin looked away from Harry Potter, trying to move the muscles that refused to, trying to speak with a voice that was nonexistent. He managed a few sentences, unable to contain the painful emotion that filled his words. More things happened that night, but in all honestly, Remus could not remember any of them. Everything after watching Sirius die was a blur in his mind. That moment kept repeating itself in his mind, over and over again, like a horrible nightmare that wouldn't stop. If only he could have _done _something…_anything _to have prevented this outcome. But, Remus knew that he could change nothing, as much as he wanted to. What was done was done, as much as he hated it. At least no one else had lost a life, although he desperately wanted Bellatrix to have lost hers. Oh, Remus would make sure she paid. That was the one thing that was driving him on, even now. 

Remus J. Lupin would make sure Voldemort and his followers paid a million times more for all the sufferings they had caused. He would make sure Harry Potter survived, the son of one of his dearest friends. He knew Sirius would also want nothing more than for Harry to survive, and so did Remus. He would make sure Harry made it out safely on the day that he faced the darkest evil that existed, even if it cost him his own life. Remus wanted nothing more than to join Sirius, but he knew Sirius would hate him forever if he abandoned Harry, the Order, and his life. Remus had a duty and that involved him being alive. He refused to abandon the boy he knew that he would have to be a support for. He could not show his sufferings to him though, for he knew Harry felt just as much. Remus would make sure everything was sorted out before he joined Sirius, and he was sure that that would take some many years. 

~*~
    
    _And the red rivers flow to seas_
    
    _And he will return to me_

_And then all that I am is in his hands_

~*~

And now, Remus stared dully at the inside of Sirius' old, battered home, the place he had been cooped up in for almost all year. He stood there in the room Sirius had been staying in, alone, cold and broken. All he knew at the moment was the heartbreak he felt- the yearning for the one thing he had lost, the one thing that meant everything to him. He didn't know where he would go, what the future held or what he could do. His fingers traced the burned mark where Sirius' name had once been on the Black's family tree.

At that very moment, Remus J. Lupin made a deal with himself. He decided he would wait for Sirius. He would wait all eternity for the person he loved to return to him. Even if he died, he knew, one day, somehow, they would meet again, even if it were in another life. 

Maybe then they would be under different circumstances and maybe then, the loyal friends could be happy once again together, with no hurtful secrets, no betrayals, and no hidden pain. James, Lily, Sirius, they all were waiting to meet with him once again, one day in the far future. Maybe then he would have the bravery to tell Sirius his feelings sooner, and then they would have forever to be enveloped in one another's arms. He would cherish the two years they had spent together.

And he knew they would meet again.

He knew Sirius was somewhere out there, still waiting patiently for him, ready to accept him for all that he was, all that he had always been. Sirius had still cared for him after everything they had been through, he didn't care that Remus was a werewolf, he saw Remus for who he truly was and one day…one day they would be together again. But, until that day came, Remus would look after Harry and would continue working with the Order against Voldemort, even if what little was left of his heart ached. He would do it…because that was what Sirius would have wanted him to do.
    
    ~*~__
    
    _And I will return to him and then_
    
    _I begin_


End file.
